It was March the 26th 2022 when I shared my first introduction post to the adoptee groups I’d joined on Face book. It took me a few weeks before posting. I think I was in shock, I was sad and angry and lots more emotions came up each time I read a post from an adoptee and I read many… I couldn’t compute that I could relate to and or at least understand each and every post. What was slowly becoming apparent was that this understanding came from a part of my past that I’d deeply buried. With each story along with the pain I also felt my own pain being validated for the very first time.  The stories were so similar to mine when I was younger and yet I had not thought that any of my trauma came from my adoption.. I really had believed that my adoption was wonderful, because my adopted parents were wonderful. But I’m staggered now that I didn’t put the two together until now, it feels as though I’ve been brainwashed with the idea that my birth mum couldn’t cope and all was normal just get on and you’ll all be ok. And it was portrayed like this to all of us.. I realise now I was crying inside and yet was not feeling any of my feelings were validated. I was so messed up inside but I just thought it must have been because I was abused and I was a different colour. I didn’t ever think that my adoption may have been the cause of my abuse.  It feels as if I was tricked into believing I was lucky to be adopted.  I now acknowledge that I wasn’t lucky or fortunate to have been separated from the woman who’s womb I grew and developed in for 9 months . For my feelings of wanting to find my Birth Mother were not understood or discussed so I packed all that pain away and this then has created a huge amount of trauma and destruction for the next 40 years. And what’s hard telling my truth is that none of this is my adopted mum and dads fault. I have nothing but love and respect for them.  But Oh how hard is it to speak my truth without hurting them.. Another layer of people pleasing to keep the piece Still and in my 50s!!  I realise I’ve been forever putting myself behind everyone else almost as a duty for being adopted.. That’s just one of the many revelations that are coming flooding in at this time.